Category Archives: Nutters

Libertarians; we didn’t start the fire

Last night I find myself in a discussion with some libertarians and anarchists.

They’re quite a funny old bunch and despite the many lessons of history, and the fact they’re communicating on a medium invented at CERN, which receives billions in tax-payers money they seem quite happy to organise themselves into groups and troll around the interweb despite the irony of doing so.

Some of them are just plain old selfish bastards who resent having to pay tax, and others seem to see the state as arbiters of oppression and violence who make war. To some extent I can sympathise with the latter, our party went way too far in removing some civil liberties, not least the innocent civilians who, regardless of whether or not the wars were right or wrong or legal or not, were needlessly killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. The state still tells us a lot of what we can do, what we can put in our bodies, when we can do some things like go for a drink or food, and a whole host of other things that frankly have sod all to do with government be they central or local.

However, much as I want a very different state, I do want a state and the reasons why can best be demonstrated using what I call the ‘fire engine test’.

Let’s imagine there is no state, and you’ve built a house (yourself or maybe bartered some mushrooms found near your house to get someone else to build it for you), let’s imagine you aren’t in some violent dispute with a new neighbour who has just rocked up and built a house right next to yours but a little closer to the mushroom patch leaving you no recourse with planning (as it doesn’t exist) and therefore using the pitchfork you have which you bartered from the blacksmith (obviously heavy industry can’t really exist without money so we’d be taking some steps backward technologically) as a weapon to defend home.

Let’s even imagine that the national grid can indeed function on allotment veg and so can the phones.

So we’re assuming you’re having a peaceful life, you’ve learned to be self-sufficient, and your garden looks quite nice.

Now, sorry to point this out my old chum but your house is on fire. Fuck me,  it’s up in smoke but who cares, just build a new one and without planning requirements you can even put on that tasteful stone cladding this time. Oh hang on, your family is in the house, and you still like them.  This is the point for you to go into your home and find that flammable piece of paper with the Fire Busters phone number on it (no 999 after all) and give them a call (I know, hoping they had a phone system that would work with yours). You tell them where you live; no postcodes as there’s no state to organise that kind of pointless rubbish, but the mushroom patch is well known so they know how to get there. So we’re conceding a lot here but there are 3 questions I can’t answer:

– Without properly funded roads how do they get to you?

– If they arrive are we hoping they’ve brought enough water as there won’t be a mains supply? (Which is a double whammy as on the dirt tracks the extra weight of the water would probably result in the engine becoming bogged down)

– Then how are you going to pay them when they’ve put the fire out?

If anyone can answer these questions they win a prize which is the right to fuck off to some crappy little island somewhere whilst the rest of us get on with being sane. Obviously they’ll have to build their own boats as the island won’t have an airfield or a proper dock, but should they make it good luck to them. I’m going for a nice walk on a state-built path and I’m going to enjoy it.



Filed under Civil Liberties, Libertarians, Nutters, The Wars

Before the election…

I wrote the following just before the election, but computer problems combined with quite a major night out led to me not getting round to posting it.  But here it is now, later than a Stoke City tackle, for you enjoyment.  Pass the Xanax.


A plea for Votes on Thursday

On Thursday Britain faces a vital choice about the type of society it wants to become in the future, each outcome offers a very different path, nearly every single one has it benefits and it pitfalls and nearly every one would provide some level of progress for our society, apart from one.

And unfortunately guys, we can’t hide from this anymore, we need to talk about this and get it out in the open so I’m just going to say it.  By Friday afternoon David Cameron could be the Prime Minister.

Does that scare the shit out of anyone else?

If David Cameron wins on Thursday we will take one firm step back into the past whilst also taking another firm step towards the worst parts of the US that we laugh about whilst watching Jon Stewart.  We’ll take a step into our own past where merit’s not important in getting ahead, but where you went to school and who your parents are is.  Where breaking a few windows as a teenager (sorry) will lead to criminalisation unless you can buy off the victim, such as an Oxford club owner.  Speaking of which, great idea for inner city gangs, just nick some tuxedos from Moss Bros and go on a rampage under the guise of the Bullingdon Club.

We’ll be heading towards a society where the wealthy need not contribute towards the betterment of society, towards investment in health, schools, education, policing because some nice people will come and do it in their spare time.  Maybe a street-talking priest will stop kids from committing crimes like in some shit-awful episode of The Equaliser.  Maybe a canny group of pensioners will do a nude calendar to raise funds for a rape crisis counselling centre. Maybe parents can club together to pay for vital repairs and for textbooks for schools like they fucking used to the last time this shower of selfish shite-hawks were in power, busy as they were saving a few quid for their buddies.

It’s like the entire policy has been based on some bollock-awful mash-up of 80s series that Cameron watched when he was growing up in between killing animals for fun.  “Maybe, if you have a problem, and you know how you can find them, and you can put up with a bunch of hyper-active socially backward twats doing all they can to constantly try and tell you how unhappy you are without God and that’s the only reason you drink, take drugs, like non-marital sex, like Star Wars too much and enjoy swearing, the Alphacourse-team can help you – if you’re not a dirty hell-bound gay of course”.

No, this return to the past isn’t some cosy night in with Claire Grogan and Stuart Maconie talking about Speak & Spell, this is fucking awful.  Swingeing cuts (where the fuck has ‘swingeing’ come from?) means benefits and jobs being cut.  This means people losing their homes. This means people without food on their table.  This means anger. This means a breakdown of our society.  One thing that Labour has managed is to make it through one of the biggest economic crises in history whilst keeping unemployment at a decent enough level (though awful for all that have lost their jobs) and avoiding social disruption.

Vote Tory on Thursday and it’ll be tatty-bye stability, hello inner city strife like those lovely nights in the 80s. It’s a vote for unemployment, it’s a vote for crime, and it’s a vote for social strife in our cities as this is what always happens under the Conservatives.

Still, at least there’ll be work for you in the countryside of a weekend if you fancy helping out on one of Dave’s friend’s hunts.  Big Society means we’ll see a return to the times when the police would work with community groups like the local hunt to assault and maim trouble makers like hunt protestors.  And besides, there’ll be plenty of work for you if you don’t want a living wage.

And then there’s Cameron’s move to turn Britain into the flyover states.  Who do you think will be running big society?  Normal bods like you or I? No, we’ll be too busy working.  We know who it’ll be, it’ll be busy bodies.  It’ll be right wing conservative Christian groups like Alphacourse and UKGC, the kind of groups who are ploughing cash into the Tories,  groups who influence the  IDS’s Nutter Policy Club, who claim to have influenced over 70 Conservative policies and who openly fund 37 Tory candidates.  It’ll be these homophobes, who want one type of family (not just for them, for everyone) that’ll be providing the Big Society.  It’ll be them arbitrarily choosing who should and should not get help based on their own beliefs, and who of the weakest they think will most likely fall prey to their overtures and sign up for their particular brand of God-squad.  What happens to the unfashionably afflicted? Who will look after the real undesirables?  Who will be running our schools and deciding what our kids should learn about sex or even evolution (oh yes, we’ll be having creationism in many more schools too)? It’ll be the type of fucking nutters that the Tories love rubbing shoulders with in Europe, that’s who.

A vote for Conservative on Thursday is a vote for allowing the weakest in our society to be left to these religious interest groups, it’s a vote for collection pots and leaking roofs, it’s a vote for a step back in time in education (and it’s much better now than it used to be) it’s a vote for those who can look after themselves.

The media’s already seen the future and is going Fox News style as well.  We’re already seeing it. We’re already seeing words like Liberal and Elitist being thrown around like insults whenever someone has the audacity to think that using religion as an excuse for homophobia is a bit, well, awful and cuntish.  We get told we’re an out of touch intelligentsia when we feel that stating ill-informed xenophobic bullshit is actually bigoted.  We may as well get Rush Limbaugh over here now and be done with it; at least he has the stones to say what he actually is.

A vote for Conservative on Thursday is a vote that will finally allow the ‘PC gone mad brigade’-brigade the keys to the engine room.  It’ll see freedom of religion take precedence over freedom from it (only for the nice European faiths of course) because every time we make progress towards a genuinely equal society the Tories fight tooth and nail to prevent it, in order to preserve ‘our’ ‘Christian’ cunting ‘values’.  Don’t believe me just look it up on, 74% of Tory MPs voted against the equality act, the small-minded nasty pieces of shit that they are.

I’m genuinely worried about the result on Friday.  I’m genuinely worried that all the (admittedly slow) progress we have made towards a fairer society, a more equal, tolerant and more merit-based nation could literally go down the pan in 5 short years.  I’m worried about millions of unemployed, I’m worried about reactionary attitudes towards crime and the role of poverty in creating criminality seeing crime figures soar back to Thatcherite levels. I’m worried about my beautiful city, a wonderful diverse mixing pot which can so easily become a crucible under the right pressures.  I’m worried about the peace process, and entrepuenership in our country both going down the pan as Dave protects the interests of his chums.

So please, do whatever you can to prevent a Conservative victory, vote tactically if you have to but if you’re reading this and you agree with any of it, please I implore you, you have to vote on Thursday.  And if you don’t agree you’ll be delighted that the Conservatives have managed to secure a special voting privilege on Friday afternoon for Tory voters, just wait at home on Thursday and we’ll send you instructions.


Filed under Alphacourse, Cameron, Conservatives, Election, Labour, Nutters, UKCG